My girlfriend and I recently went to a Christmas party at the Marriott World Center. It was a formal ballroom dance party. Neither of us knows how to ballroom dance. We've taken a few salsa lessons at the local dance school, but we're not quite ready for Dancing With The Stars. Nevertheless, we looked forward to spending time with family, meeting new people, and eating plenty of great food. That last item was a major selling point for us, and it did not fail to impress. The main course consisted of filet mignon that was wrapped in seasoned bacon and cooked to perfection, and huge prawn in tangy orange sauce served over a bed of spaghetti squash. And the desserts...geez...I felt my blood sugar rise 300 points just looking at the dessert table. Desserts at fancy shindigs are almost always an appropriate reason to be risky and try something new.

When the music started, most everyone at almost every table got up to dance. It was a beautiful site to watch everyone dance almost in sync with each song played over the PA system. When a waltz was played, the dancers waltzed. When the fox-trot blared from the speakers, they fox-trotted. When the music was a cha-cha-cha, everyone cha-cha'd. Everyone on the dance floor knew what dance went with each piece of music that played. They all knew the steps for each dance and many added step variations of their likings. How was this so? The 200 or so guests were all part of the same social network of people that took ballroom dancing lessons over the years. Many had practiced the different styles and techniques of ballroom dancing for longer than I had been alive. I was so moved by the elegance and grace that they displayed on that parqueted floor that I could not help but smile the whole evening.

The Pressure

Needless to say, my girlfriend and I were pretty nervous about getting on the dance floor. We were encouraged by others around us to just get up and dance, to have fun, and not to worry about what kind of dance everyone else was doing. But it felt like we would be disrupting the show, standing out like a sore thumb, disrespecting the institution of the ballroom dance. We would smile and raise our eyebrows at each other, gesturing the question, "Should we dance?" And with every new song that started, the people that passed us on the way to the dance floor would wave us on, almost cheering for us to join in the festivities. I was so caught up in the pressure of the moment, I could feel my chest tighten up as my mind swayed back and forth like a pendulum between anxiety and excitement. I almost forgot how to breathe deeply to calm myself and collect my thoughts.

The Go-Ahead

Finally, my uncle turned to me and said, "What are you waiting for? It's a party. Have fun. We only do this once a year. Just dance."

I looked over to my love, we smiled, took each others' hand, stood up, and walked over to the dance floor. We danced. At first we tried to mimic the others who were trained to do the "right" moves. We wanted to fit in and we were concerned about how the other dancers would feel if they knew we weren't ballroom capable. But slowly our attention focused on just each other. We let loose and paid no attention to anyone else in the room. We heard the music, and saw only each other. We laughed when I tried to spin her and she nearly fell over. We yelled in pain when we stepped on each others toes (me doing more of the toe-stepping than she). And we both freaked out whenever I dipped her and she got whiplash. But we had fun. It wasn't as bad as we thought it would be. Yeah, we got a few strange looks from some people, but many more seemed to enjoy watching us have a good time.

No Mind Reading Available

What we say to ourselves can really prevent us from living life. If we had given in to what we thought others would think of us, then we would have let our fears control us. The truth is, we don't know what other people are thinking about us. We're not mind readers. Even the strange looks that we got on the dance floor by some could've meant something other than what we thought they meant. We'll never know. We could tell ourselves that other people will judge us if we do so and so. They probably will. And those folks probably already did as soon as we walked through the doors. So what? If they want to judge others, that's their prerogative.

We're all guilty of doing this at one time or another. But how long will a person judge someone before they stop or go onto another person to judge? I mean surely, with 200 other people in the room, my girlfriend and I weren't so interesting enough to be the focus of their criticisms for the whole evening, right? And when I think rationally about that night, I can't convince myself that anyone there had a negative thought about us at all. That's because I really don't know what they were thinking. All I saw were some ugly faces. And an ugly face doesn't mean an ugly person with ugly thoughts, does it? But after dancing and having a great time, I really don't care.

Because normal human beings can't read minds, it makes no sense to restrict yourself to doing only those things that you think other people won't think badly of (was that sentence a mind-twister?). You'd only be living under an assumption that you conjured up yourself. In other words, you'd only be reacting to your imagination. It's common that we do this. "Well, Fred asked if I could watch his dog this weekend while he goes out of town. I don't feel comfortable with that kind of responsibility, I don't really have the time, and I can't stand dogs, but if I say no, then he'll think I'm an asshole." Maybe Fred would think this, and if so, then is this the type of person you want to associate yourself with; a guy who doesn't respect your right to be assertive?

But what if Fred didn't think that? What if he was the kind of person that would think, "No problem if you can't watch my pooch. I'm glad you told me now rather than later. I still have time to find someone who can. You're still coming over to watch the ball game when I get back, right?"

Why don't we ever think in the positive, rather than in the negative? Isn't the chance that someone is thinking something positive about you roughly equal to the chance that they are thinking negatively about you? And if so, why spend your energy becoming worried that there might be negative thoughts about you rumbling in the minds of others when you could be spending your energy enjoying life's moments? You can't read minds. Stop acting like you can.

Live Your Life, Not Others'

If you don't have obsessive-compulsive disorder, then you yourself probably don't spend too much of your time judging or thinking negatively about others. If you do, then that's a pity. Not only does it stunt your personal growth, but it's a futile way to get other people to change. Along with the lack of mind-reading abilities, you also lack the ability to control others with your thoughts. But if you don't spend your time in such a useless manner, then what makes you think others do? And what makes you think that they're thinking about you?

When you live your life based on what you think other's perceptions are of you, then do you really have a life to call your own? While we're at it, how do you know that the life you're living now is really yours? How do you know that you're not just trying to live up to someone else's expectations of what you should do and who you should be? When you went to college, was that your expectation and goal, or was that your parents'? Did you get married because you knew it was the best thing for you and your spouse to do, or does your religion say it was the right thing to do? Your life's meaning takes on a different outlook when you start asking yourself questions like these. It's a scary process that can uncover some nerve racking revelations about yourself, and you might want to ask yourself if you want to go down that road and tackle the consequences that may come with the answers. But if you are willing, then the opportunity to really live your life can be that much closer. You won't be afraid to dance in front of others.

-RY