There's been a lot of writing and discussion on positive psychology in recent years. Indeed, there is much value and benefit from looking at the things that make us happy instead of focusing on what's wrong in our lives. I do have a gripe, however, with how it's been applied in some instances (make that many instances). It's often misapplied by the mass media, mental health professionals, hair stylists, and especially in the everyday conversations around me. It's frequently over-simplified to just "thinking positive." Positive psychology is about creating experiences and looking at these with insight in order to develop more a more meaningful and productive life; a happy life, if you will. It's not about telling yourself that "everything will be alright." Doing so only sets you up for disappointment if "everything" doesn't turn out alright.

I prefer to take a more realistic approach to self talk because I like being able to feel more accountable for my actions and where my life is headed. For example, instead of telling yourself:

- "Everything will be OK," tell yourself, "I will try my best. If it doesn't work out the way I planned, then it's OK to feel disappointed. I can pick myself up and try again (or change my behavior, etc)."

- "I will find [a man, a woman, a perfect mate] that makes me happy," tell yourself, "I want to find [a man, woman, that special someone] that I can share my life with, but if I don't, then [I won't kill me; It doesn't make me a bad person; I can work on attracting those that I desire; etc]

- "Today is going to be a good day," tell yourself, "Today is a new day. I will look for opportunities and rewards."

- "I will be happy today," tell yourself, "I can choose to feel good about myself today. If it doesn't turn out the way I want, then I can take action to change how I feel."

If it sounds awkward to say these things, or if you're thinking that people don't really talk this way, then perhaps it's because you've never learned how to speak to your "self" realistically. If you don't speak to yourself realistically, then how do you speak to your "self"? I believe that you can develop increase in self-responsibility and genuine change through a realistic approach to self-talk. It gives a greater sense of control over who you are and who you want to be. No one else has that power over you. You can change how you feel by changing what you tell yourself. How do you talk to yourself?

-RY